Darth InSidious Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 (edited) 1. A tailored black suitPlain black/blue suits are for spivs. 2. Black dress shoes This is something worth remarking upon? 3. Brown dress shoesMost men's 'brown' shoes are in fact orange. Orange shoes are for spivs. 4. StocksI am not sinking my money into something I do not understand and will therefore net me no use, profit, enjoyment or good.5. A tool kitI am not a mechanic.6. A nice wallet I have one. I use it as my wallet, imaginitively enough. 7. Cologne, NOT BODY SPRAYYou too can smell like the sort of arse who wanders around choking everyone else on his affectations of 'manliness'. Literally.8. A watchI have a phone for that, and can only read analogue watch-faces with difficulty.9. A proper bed with proper beddingAgain, this is something exceptional to possess in what way?10. A flashlightGot it, never use it, and usually forget I own it.11. Duct tapeI have no use for it, so no.12. A weekend bag If I am going on the sort of weekend that involves packing, I'll take a suitcase.13. Proper glasswareI have precisely as much glassware as I need, and no more. If you want a ****tail, go and sit in a hotel foyer, and think about your mistakes in life.14. Grooming kit I'm a man, not a poodle. Of course I don't own a ****ing grooming kit.15. Double-hinged wine keyI'm not a waiter.16. Multiple towelsAgain, this has to be put here? As for spa towels, do I look like I run a ****ing spa?17. A chef’s knifeFor my regular masterclass on daytime TV? P*** off.18. A passport Was this list written for effeminate troglodytes? 19. A flask Presumably to hold the spirits I don't drink.20. Sewing kitDon't have one of these, though I probably should have something, I admit.21. An umbrellaI already own a coat.22. Buy an ironing board, and an iron.If you own a suit and not an iron/ironing board... good luck with that.23. Jumper cables For the car I don't own? Presumably I should keep them in case my guests get so bored of my incessant swanking they need to top themselves conveniently. 24. UndershirtsNo, I don't own any.25. Playing cardsYes, I own a pack. This does not make me a seasoned mark of Monte Carlo's casino-owners.26. A lint rollerBought for a pound at the dry cleaner's. As yet unused.27. A leathermanNo. I don't need to feel big by pulling out a glorified pen-knife in the street so I can nick myself in public.28. SunglassesI have an old, scratched pair, yes. I bought them cheaply and I see no reason to replace them just yet.29. A record playerI don't have one, but if I ever get one, I can keep it next to the jumper cables, and other junk of no use or value to me. 30. Football/soccer ball/basketball, etc. Yes, I'll keep materials relating to a subject of less than zero interest to me. Presumably this is "manly".31. A French press cafetiere I use it to make myself coffee in the morning.32. Good socksI despair.33. Good underwearNo, I buy deliberately cheap and badly made underwear. It's part of my charmlesss attempt at quirkiness. Like the record-player and the jump cables.34. A cast-iron skilletSince my cooking is limited at best, no.35. Multiple sheet setsIf you don't change your sheets regularly by thirty, you need to rethink some things.36. A bar setExtra washing up andor useless clutter. Just what I need.37. Matching dishes My crockery is entirely plain, but theoretically yes.38. A decent carSince I don't drive, I can gaze lovingly at it, or maybe keep the record-player, jump cables, bar set and other useless rubbish in it.39. A solid book collectionI possess a large number of books. Some I have read, some I intend to read, and some I use for reference purposes. If you think books are for impressing people, you should try opening one.40. A decent bottle of boozeSince I scarcely drink, and mainly drink wine when I do, I have no interest in shelling out for one. If the American president comes 'round I'll tell him to **** off. I see and hear altogether too much about him as it is. Edited October 3, 2013 by Darth InSidious 3 This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!Register a new account
Already have an account? Sign in here.Sign In Now