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TOMDS: The Game


Tigranes

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Before I go out I check that my pants are on. They're not. I don't care. At least I'm wearing a nice jacket (my pants) and my favourite underwear: a latex mask of George W Bush. I apply lipstick on it and approach the girl.

 

1. "Hey babe, wanna discuss politics? I talk and you.. uh.. no. I suck and you.. wait. I BLOW YOU AND.. THIS RELATIONSHIP ISN'T WORKING OUT! WAS IT AS GOOD FOR YOU AS IT WAS FOR ME??". Feeling I'm running out of options, I calmly proceed to dry hump her leg. I figure this will make her see my true, passionate self hiding within this sexy shell of mine.

 

2. The lipstick humping smears on her leg resemble a small poodle. She is probably very impressed by my artistic gift.

 

3. I suddenly reach down her pants and rip off her thongs. "See, there's no reason to fear men anymore! The thongs are too weak for wedgies!". I then use the thong as a makeshift tie and wait for her to fall all over me in lust.

 

4. Of course I do. I mean, who could resist making fun of someone named named Gwyneth hahaha

Swedes, go to: Spel2, for the latest game reviews in swedish!

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To this end, you must describe to me your Female Action Plan (which I will not shorten into an acronym):

1. You must open conversation with a pick up line. What is your pick up line, and why will it win Ms G. Higginbottom over?

2. You can choose to bring her a small gift at the start of your date. What will you bring, and why? What will you say to her as you give it to her?

3. How will you show her that she needs to get over her clearly unreasonable hatred and get with you rather than any other Single Man?

4. Will you make fun of her bumpkinish name? (Yes/No)

 

1. Although my natural tendency is to avoid women in bars ever since those Laotian twins stole my kidney, I am nonetheless intrigued by her hostility. It sets my heart beating like the blades of a huey on a sultry night. I wait until she goes to the bar to buy a club soda and campari, then spring the ambush "the Zulus have a word for for a woman like "Kuong trang naz vedkya" it means she who loves with a thousand knives." She will search for a stinging rebuke, and while she is doing so I will stab a jacknife into the bar top within her reach, and lean back with an implicit challenge.

 

2. At the beginning of our date I will say "I know a woman like yourself won't need walking home, but there's a lot of scum out there. Some day a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the street, but in the meantime here is a thermal detonator."

 

3. Unlike that pansy, Lincoln I don't destroy my enemies by making them my friends. I welcome her hostility as the honest compliment it is. I know the brutality of man better than any other, and if she hates me for being a man that just makes me love her more.

 

4. I will simply address her as 'colonel'.

"It wasn't lies. It was just... bull****"."

             -Elwood Blues

 

tarna's dead; processing... complete. Disappointed by Universe. RIP Hades/Sand/etc. Here's hoping your next alt has a harp.

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1"Take my hand and we shall walk through a garden of bodily pleasure next to the divine"

 

2 The only gift I have to offer is all the love in my body and it's hers.

 

3 Why should she pick me? Why should a goddess who could take her pick of any man in the world would grace me with her love?... All I know is that I need her to.

 

4 Of course no...what kind of fool would insult the woman he courts.

I'd say the answer to that question is kind of like the answer to "who's the sucker in this poker game?"*

 

*If you can't tell, it's you. ;)

village_idiot.gif

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1. My opening line will be to compliment her on her very stylish top and how well she seems to have put her outfit together (although in reality it is the ugliest thing I have ever seen).

 

2. My gift is going to be the a basket from Bath and Body Works containing assorted bath salts and hand creams, because everyone loves to recieve cosmetic supplies.

 

3. Her experiences with men have obviously been less than ideal. I will show her that I care and listen to problems, telling her the whole time, "I understand", and then relate to her the stories of my childhood bullies who all thought that I was gay.

 

4. Subtly, hoping that "reasonable education" means she isn't that bright, and won't understand my joke.

Hey now, my mother is huge and don't you forget it. The drunk can't even get off the couch to make herself a vodka drenched sandwich. Octopus suck.

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damn haven't had much time to keep up with this thing

 

1. my opening line will be an incomprehensible slur, but her inherent curiosity will urge her to try and understand what the hell i just tried to say

 

2. gift? sure if not vomiting on her counts as a gift

 

3. i will prove through my boozey prowess that those other men who tormented her so are just ****heads, and then challenge her to a drinking contest. once she starts getting pretty hammered, i'll pick out the nearest douche and egg her on to go give him a smack over the head - thus proving to her that not only am i a fun bugger to get on the piss with, but will help her realise that she can take action and ease her fear around men

 

4. in my state i probably wouldn't have even heard her tell me her name to begin with, so most likely no

when your mind works against you - fight back with substance abuse!

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To this end, you must describe to me your Female Action Plan (which I will not shorten into an acronym):

1. You must open conversation with a pick up line. What is your pick up line, and why will it win Ms G. Higginbottom over?

2. You can choose to bring her a small gift at the start of your date. What will you bring, and why? What will you say to her as you give it to her?

3. How will you show her that she needs to get over her clearly unreasonable hatred and get with you rather than any other Single Man?

4. Will you make fun of her bumpkinish name? (Yes/No)

 

I open up the conversation with a prolonged stare, taking it just far enough for it to be uncomfortable.. as her eyes begin to frantically search for some measure of sanity, I relax my pose and say "so.... who's it gonna be?" and snap my fingers. A good looking Swedish masseuse and a muscular Hispanic step up behind me and give her a sweaty look. "You can have any of them, or both - if you are feeling especially famished.." I say, as I give a sleazy wink.

 

Obviously my spectacular opener and extraordinary gift(s) will convince her of my true intentions - to make sure she never experiences a day of wanting for anything for the rest of her life.. being with me, means being taken care of. Of course she might have to do some unsavoury things in the future, but that's all part of being with someone as rich and luxuriously pimp as me.

 

I sympathize with her, growing up with name like "Seymore Butts" was tuff', but I made the best of it. Her name has potential - and I'll make sure she knows it'll be written in neon, on every classy porn cinema from here to Reno, if she picks me.

Fortune favors the bald.

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These are epic. Hilariously so, in fact.

 

 

Leaving the house for the first time all week, and as pale as my Commodore 64, I enter the club, and, spotting her all alone and hoping that she is therefore below everyone else's radar, approach, muttering a quick prayer to CliffyB and Shepard that I may absorb some of their female-acquiring and ass-kicking powers.

 

1) "You look like Vanille." When she looks at me like an asari commando on Tuchanka, I respond, "Ya know, the immortal girl from FF13? Actually, you don't find out she's immortal until about the 100th hour, so I guess just the not-protagonist girl from the same." This will reassure her that I am not concerned with sex, as I've probably never heard of it, and definitely am more interested in killin' polygons than in getting it on. It will also convey that I was bullied just as much as she was as a child. The hope is that these reassurances will overcome her hatred of males, and remind her that not all men are scum, just

Hurlshot

.

 

2) I bring an old bottle of red bull dating to the launch of Reach and a packet of ramen, as they are the only non-game items in my apartment. I say, "These are my last possessions that aren't attached to a wall" and shed a tear.

 

3) I will convince her that, as other members of the male species have found me just as convenient a target of bullying as her, I know what she has been through. This will establish a link to the dark space behind her +5 Firewall of Hate, and will be my link into her "hushed casket". ;)

 

4) I will merely say that her name verily sounds like something from Two Worlds, forsooth.

Edited by I want teh kotor 3
In 7th grade, I teach the students how Chuck Norris took down the Roman Empire, so it is good that you are starting early on this curriculum.

 

R.I.P. KOTOR 2003-2008 KILLED BY THOSE GREEDY MONEY-HOARDING ************* AND THEIR *****-*** MMOS

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Sorry for unfast updates in the beginning rounds, I'm still moving around on conferences but nearly done. I'll post the results of this date asap - it will be hard for Ms. Higginbottom to choose from such upstanding citizens, but I'm sure she can manage. And then we can vote someone off!

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Erm... has this died out then?

In 7th grade, I teach the students how Chuck Norris took down the Roman Empire, so it is good that you are starting early on this curriculum.

 

R.I.P. KOTOR 2003-2008 KILLED BY THOSE GREEDY MONEY-HOARDING ************* AND THEIR *****-*** MMOS

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Update 2

 

Terribly sorry for the delay. :( It might be my fault for making it too complicated for myself... and of course I believe my copy of F:NV has arrived today :p Nevertheless, Gwyneth Higginbottom has now delivered her verdict on the first exploits of the Single Men:

 

As dawn broke, most Single Men were ready and raring to go on their first Day Date. Two, however, were nowhere to be found: Nightshade, the Goth-Emo, and Tale, the Creepy Dude, would not be seen for the rest of the day. Some speculated that the two had retreated to a private conference of the creepy, while others adjoined that the more likely scenario was an embarrassing case of nervousness. All Single Men present laughed heartily and stroked their belly at this pronouncement, thereby reassuring each other that they weren't nervous at all, oh no.

 

Their target this day was one Gwyneth Higginbottom, a woman whose hatred of the male sex literally oozed out of her ears. Recognising the demands of the majority of Single Men, we asked her to await them at a club with a light drink, although she was not entirely sure why she was there at 10a.m. The first to arrive on the scene (PROTIP: because all dates, unless specified, are processed in the order of posting), was none other than...

 

The Architect,

the Avatar of Cheese. Confidently strutting towards Ms. Higginbottom, he opens with the line, “I may not have gotten your virginity, but can I have the box it came in?”. As a hell-bent feminist, Gwyneth turns to snap at him, claws raised, but takes one look at his slick, charming figure and appears to reconsider. Not passing up the chance, Architect hands her a wrapped box with his phone number inside, before departing with a loud wink and a "G'day, Ms. Nicebottom." Staring at his wiggling bottom, she appears unable to decide whether to throw her glass at him or swoon. The Architect's cheese has overcome Ms. Higginbottom's aversion to men. He gains +5 POS.

 

Mkreku,

the Weirdo, is up next. He is not wearing any pants, sports a lipstick'd latex mask of George W. Bush, and attemps to dry-hump Ms. Higginbottom. Unfortunately, Gwyneth knows several methods of self-defence and remembered that you break a wine bottle under-arm, not over-arm, before stabbing strange people in the face. It took Mkreku several hours to wash the blood out of the latex mask. He loses -5 POS.

 

Walsingham,

's witty yet stylish pick-up line of "Kuong trang naz vedkya" might well have succeeded in piquing Ms. Higginbottom's interest, were she not so traumatised by the previous Single Man. As soon as Walsingham draws his jackknife for his theatrical maneuvre, she begins to scream hysterically. Wals calms her down enough after a while, but continues to insist on calling her 'Colonel', making her think he's a bit of a nut-job. Walsingham might have fared better without Mkreku's circus beforehand. He gains +5 POS.

 

Orogun,

the Spanish Loverr makes his attempt around lunchtime. Gwyneth has now left the largely ill-fated club, and awaits the Single Men at a sun-filled flower garden. "Take my hand and we shall walk through a garden of bodily pleasure next to the divine", he softly whispers into her ear. As Ms. Higginbottom stares at him like an alien from outer space, Orogun continues to weave his magic. (PROTIP: It appears that his superior POS is coming into effect.) While Ms. Higginbottom might normally be expected to detest such soap drama, it appears Orogun can turn even the most extreme of man-haters into goo. He gains +5 POS.

 

Awesomeness,

,the metrosexual, comes in with a very different approach. He opens by complimenting her fashion sense, then presents her with beauty care products, and is also a great listener. Gwyneth informs me that Awesomeness was by far her favourite companion of the day. Unfortunately, she appears to firmly categorise him as a non-sexual friend, in the typical gay flatmate sense. She plans to ring him tomorrow to ask what he thinks about Leonardo DiCaprio's gorgeous new hairstyle. Successful, but somewhat misdirected. No POS Change.

 

Shryke / Rosjberg,

When Shryke approaches Ms. Higginbottom with a drunken slur and stumbling feet, she initially believes him to be a loitering lunatic rather than a Single Man. She is hardly impressed by his drunken assurance that with him at her side 'there ain't gonna be nobody to mess yoo up baby." It is at this point Rosbjerg, the Sugar Daddy, enters the scene. "Wait 'ere, Guinness, Shryke says, "I'll take care of this roof, ah, ruffian fer ya." Still stumbling wildly, Shryke lunges at Rosbjerg, fully intending to throw him somewhere far away. Panicking, he flicks his fingers and calls his masseurs into action, but Shryke has already rugby-tackled him, both crashing into the flowerbed where a frantic, painful yet strangely homoerotic scene of botanical violence ensues. If Ms. Higginbottom were more man-friendly, she might have been attracted by Shryke's misguided chivalry, or sympathised with Rosbjerg's plight; as it were, she is impressed by neither. No POS Change for both.

 

KOTOR / Hurlshot,

Finally, KOTOR, the Video Game Nerd, enters the scene. Putting away his gigantic Sennheiser headphones plugged into the PSP, he looks around wildly, squinting and cursing the sunlight under his breath. But as he approaches, another, much larger, Single Man emerges from the shadows. It is Hurlshot. Though he was first to the date scene today, he has patiently waited for a scrawny fellow to come and give him an opportunity to demonstrate his manliness. As KOTOR wipes away the oil on his forehead and opens his mouth, Hurlshot sneaks up behind him and provides a powerful wedgie. It is a wedgie of epic proportions. There is a horrible ripping sound, and KOTOR's Aribeth Underwear dangles from Hurlshot's burly hands, as the nerd painfully drops, face-first, to the ground. "Don't waste your time with a loser like that, a real man is here for you", Hurlshot says, as he nonchalantly drops the underwear on the prone KOTOR. While this was a dangerous gamble, it seems to have worked for Hurlshot, mainly because KOTOR wasn't winning any points with his entrance anyway. Ms. Higginbottom smiles and suggests that Hurlshot take her to a more suitable location. Unfortunately, this is when Hurlshot's smartphone begins to blare. Retrieving it from his pocket impatiently, Hurlshot is horrified to see it explode with sounds of hard-core pornography, the lurid visuals clear to Ms. Higginbottom from her position. Going utterly red in the face you open your mouth to try and explain, but Gwyneth has had enough. "You're as bad as that Mkreku, Hurly, she admonishes. Hurlshot tries to explain that he has no idea what has happened, but a woman's head once turned is not easily turned again. -5 POS for both.

 

Day Dates won't turn out the same way every time: a balance will be struck between honouring your own Female Action Plans (and night moves, etc) and getting a good narrative going. Next time I will probably summarise most of this to reduce TL:DR. In any case, let's see who Gwyneth finally picked as the winner of the first challenge...

 

At the end of the day, all Single Men reconvene; Nightshade and Tale reappear separately, with no explanations given for their absence. Gwyneth now appears in front of them. Strategically situating several Single Men between herself and Mkreku, she announces that "while most of you were typically despicable, immature and idiotic men, I think there were a couple of you who were not as terrible as I expected. That Orogun fellow was very romantic, and Walsingham, if a bit old and corpulent, is very much a gentleman. But I'm going to have to go for Archie - there's just something about him that rubs me the right way." And so it is that amidst the jealous stares of the other Single Man, Architect, the Avatar of Cheese, wins our very first Day Date!

 

It is now time for our first Vote. All Single Men have a vote; use it to eliminate one contestant from TOMDS. Architect, as the winner, cannot be voted for. Have the actions today shown you who the treacherous RFID might be? Or will you use the votes to eliminate potential threats in the day date challenges? It's up to you now.

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My ass still hurts, so I vote Hurly.

In 7th grade, I teach the students how Chuck Norris took down the Roman Empire, so it is good that you are starting early on this curriculum.

 

R.I.P. KOTOR 2003-2008 KILLED BY THOSE GREEDY MONEY-HOARDING ************* AND THEIR *****-*** MMOS

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Guest The Architect

Hahaha. "Yeah baby! No? Just trying it on."

 

It'd be unfair to vote for someone who at least had a go the first round rather than someone who didn't, so I vote Deadly Nightshade.

 

Creepy stalker guys > Goth/Emo guys.

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Since my entire efforts were sabotaged by George Bush I vote for him.

 

There's a joke in here somewhere about vote counting, but I can't put it into words.

"It wasn't lies. It was just... bull****"."

             -Elwood Blues

 

tarna's dead; processing... complete. Disappointed by Universe. RIP Hades/Sand/etc. Here's hoping your next alt has a harp.

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I hate to do this ... but I put my vote for Mkreku. His manner around a lady is just unacceptable, I would have a talk with him "hombre a hombre" and defend Ms. Higginbottom's honor.

I'd say the answer to that question is kind of like the answer to "who's the sucker in this poker game?"*

 

*If you can't tell, it's you. ;)

village_idiot.gif

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Current Votes:

Hurlshot: 1

Nightshade: 1

Mkreku: 2

Walsingham: 2

Rosbjerg: 1

Yet To Vote: 4

 

Remember: you need a majority (6) to eliminate someone. Otherwise, nobody will be eliminated. This has its good and bad sides: on one hand, every Night is an opportunity for the evil RFID to sabotage or even hospitalise (eliminate) innocent Single Men from the competition; on the other hand, eliminating someone now might mean that you help the RFID's cause. Of course, you may not care about any of this and just vote for revenge/competition. In any case, it might behoove you to consolidate some of the votes if you want someone to go today.

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