Walsingham Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 After my recent failure in Sweden - caused in no small part by my being a tubby **** - I had been pondering a solution to the age old question of how to chat someone up. I say this being no stranger to the bold approach of just walking up and saying "I don't want to be creepy, but unless i ask for you if we can go for a drink then I'm going to be kicking myself all evening". But in the Uk and other reserved countries this is often counter-productive. It then occurred to me that one way to bridge a gap is to be having a fascinating and humourous discussion about something next to the lady's group of friends. If it was sufficiently funny, mysterious, or engaging then one of them might well interject. It would also serve as a good way of making you look good. So, gentlemen, and ladies, the problem I put before us is to compose THE GREATEST CONVERSATION IN THE WORLD, EVER "It wasn't lies. It was just... bull****"." -Elwood Blues tarna's dead; processing... complete. Disappointed by Universe. RIP Hades/Sand/etc. Here's hoping your next alt has a harp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wrath of Dagon Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Just roll down your car window and flash a wad of cash. "Moral indignation is a standard strategy for endowing the idiot with dignity." Marshall McLuhan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorgon Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 (edited) A very attractive woman I have seen around here and there, although I don't even know her last name, works in a green grocer, and I have been buying disproportionately large amounts of lettuce. I can't really gauge if I'm making progress. I mean I think I'm pretty likable and funny, but being a man I'm completely unable to tell her level of interest. Edited April 30, 2009 by Gorgon Na na na na na na ... greg358 from Darksouls 3 PVP is a CHEATER. That is all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enoch Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 (edited) Focus, people. Moderator-Emeritus Walsingham has given us an important task here. Question for discussion: Where should we be targeting on the "honest-manipulative" scale? It's probably not hard to catch a girl's ear if you're talking about how much you love committed relationships, scrapbooking, and being kind to small animals. But it probably isn't going to take her long before she figures out that you're full of ****. On the other hand, too much honesty risks shutting off interest in our humdrum nerdy lives. Edited April 30, 2009 by Enoch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atreides Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Footy and world politics. Preferably NK. Spreading beauty with my katana. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monte Carlo Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Girls in bars are interested in how much money you have. End of. Period. Talk about how much money you have, or if not how much you are willing to borrow to impress one of these women. The only other model I've seen work convincingly is to play wingman to your best-looking friend. OK, you always end up with the sub-optimal chick but that's life. Cheers MC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaftan Barlast Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 It then occurred to me that one way to bridge a gap is to be having a fascinating and humourous discussion about something next to the lady's group of friends. If it was sufficiently funny, mysterious, or engaging then one of them might well interject. It would also serve as a good way of making you look good. So, gentlemen, and ladies, the problem I put before us is to composeTHE GREATEST CONVERSATION IN THE WORLD, EVER But as I am without a doubt the cleaverest and most witty man in the country, I shall not write the greatest chat-up line ever. Instead, I offer some sound tactical advice. If you are a bit on the heavy side, fear not. Just let me introduce you to Edvard Blom, swede extraordinaire: He is a pale and chubby pile of lard, yet he is an incredibly popular man here in Sweden and abroad. His secret is that he is extremely cultured and knows everything about everything, he can talk endlessly about this for hours on end. This coupled with interesting dress and paraphernalia is sure to overwhelm any woman(or man) is his vicinity. If i was to apply his methodology to my writing skills, it would be a conversation like: -Hello there. *pipe in hand* -Hi. -The name's Walsingham. You seem like an extraordinary person, and so Ive got an extraordinary question for you; have you ever contemplated the extinguishing of an abstract fire with concrete means? *point with pipe* -No, no I dont think I have. -Good, that would make you a very strange person. Could I buy you a drink by any chance? *hearty laugh* and then just roll with it from there DISCLAIMER: Do not take what I write seriously unless it is clearly and in no uncertain terms, declared by me to be meant in a serious and non-humoristic manner. If there is no clear indication, asume the post is written in jest. This notification is meant very seriously and its purpouse is to avoid misunderstandings and the consequences thereof. Furthermore; I can not be held accountable for anything I write on these forums since the idea of taking serious responsability for my unserious actions, is an oxymoron in itself. Important: as the following sentence contains many naughty words I warn you not to read it under any circumstances; botty, knickers, wee, erogenous zone, psychiatrist, clitoris, stockings, bosom, poetry reading, dentist, fellatio and the department of agriculture. "I suppose outright stupidity and complete lack of taste could also be considered points of view. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorgon Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 (edited) *Nevernind* Edited April 30, 2009 by Gorgon Na na na na na na ... greg358 from Darksouls 3 PVP is a CHEATER. That is all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taks Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 THE GREATEST CONVERSATION IN THE WORLD, EVER um, why not just try to be yourself rather than come up with some novel pickup mechanism? it may not be the best for getting you into the sack, but at least you're being honest and you will wind up impressing someone that appreciates honesty. if you find a girl attractive, tell her. if she's interesting, tell her. if not, politely excuse yourself and move on to the next. quite frankly, your success rate in a bar is going to be... not very good. at least, not very good for anything more than a quick run through the sack. i spent 4 years on the other side of a bar watching night after night the same people trading the same partners for nothing more than short flings. they were miserable, and it was obvious. taks comrade taks... just because. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blarghagh Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Thankfully I am happy with my girl and I don't need to deal with that bull**** anymore. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morrigan Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 So this is probably a dangerous thread to begin my posting career at Obsidian, but I'm a gal who loves danger, so what the hell. Plus, having been the girl being chatted up at the bar, I might have some helpful insight. First off, there are going to be women who are down or even looking for a "quick run through the sack" as taks put it, and those who won't be. With the former, you just need to worry about beating out that night's competition, which depending on the bar and the night might be more or less difficult. If you either aren't sure whether a woman is of the above type or are willing to invest a little time in someone who might not end up sleeping with you until the third date...then my primary advice is listen! Walsingham is right about it being a good idea to sit next to her and her friends...but try to figure out what they're talking about first! This will give you much needed info on the best conversation piece to get into her pants. Which brings me to the belief that "The Greatest Conversation in the World, Ever" is going to have to read a lot like a video game dialogue, with lots of conditionals. Which is good because we're all video game nerds in one form or another here, right? If hottie and her friends are talking about how much their latest manicures cost and last and appear to be impoverished in the area of brain cells...Then 1. [Pull out a fat wad of cash to pay for your drinks and wave it around, casually] 2. Hey guys, have I told you about my latest yacht? It has a helipad! 3. [Play the pity card] I loved her so much. I just wanted to walk on the beach and watch the sunset with her, and buy her diamonds and take care of her forever. [wipe away a tear (this can be achieved by surreptitiously placing a drop of condensation from your pint glass beneath your eye before wiping it)] Else if hottie and her friends are deep into a discussion of German philosophers... Then 1. [Run away] Oh hells no, this chick ain't worth it! 2. [to your table] So you see...it was categorically imperative that she sleep with me. 3. [to hottie] Hey baby, want to make a synthetic a priori statement with me? "You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain | "Writing is a struggle against silence." - Carlos Fuentes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Humodour Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 (edited) I say this being no stranger to the bold approach of just walking up and saying "I don't want to be creepy, but unless i ask for you if we can go for a drink then I'm going to be kicking myself all evening". But in the Uk and other reserved countries this is often counter-productive. Wow, what? And here I thought British chicks would be like Aussie chicks in this regard. Rserved? quite frankly, your success rate in a bar is going to be... not very good. Yeah. Might want to opt for a beach (does Britain have those?) or something. Edit: Come to Australia and root a convict. I hear we're easy. Edited April 30, 2009 by Krezack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirottu Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 THE GREATEST CONVERSATION IN THE WORLD, EVER I think first word of that conversation should start with a P, then a word with E in it, then N, I, and lastly a word that ends in S. I think that would be the greatest conversation ever. This post is not to be enjoyed, discussed, or referenced on company time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoonDing Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Which brings me to the belief that "The Greatest Conversation in the World, Ever" is going to have to read a lot like a video game dialogue, with lots of conditionals. Which is good because we're all video game nerds in one form or another here, right? If hottie and her friends are talking about how much their latest manicures cost and last and appear to be impoverished in the area of brain cells...Then 1. [Pull out a fat wad of cash to pay for your drinks and wave it around, casually] 2. Hey guys, have I told you about my latest yacht? It has a helipad! 3. [Play the pity card] I loved her so much. I just wanted to walk on the beach and watch the sunset with her, and buy her diamonds and take care of her forever. [wipe away a tear (this can be achieved by surreptitiously placing a drop of condensation from your pint glass beneath your eye before wiping it)] Else if hottie and her friends are deep into a discussion of German philosophers... Then 1. [Run away] Oh hells no, this chick ain't worth it! 2. [to your table] So you see...it was categorically imperative that she sleep with me. 3. [to hottie] Hey baby, want to make a synthetic a priori statement with me? Classic Leisure Suit Larry. The ending of the words is ALMSIVI. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Humodour Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 If hottie and her friends are talking about how much their latest manicures cost and last and appear to be impoverished in the area of brain cells...Then 1. [Pull out a fat wad of cash to pay for your drinks and wave it around, casually] 2. Hey guys, have I told you about my latest yacht? It has a helipad! 3. [Play the pity card] I loved her so much. I just wanted to walk on the beach and watch the sunset with her, and buy her diamonds and take care of her forever. [wipe away a tear (this can be achieved by surreptitiously placing a drop of condensation from your pint glass beneath your eye before wiping it)] Else if hottie and her friends are deep into a discussion of German philosophers... Then 1. [Run away] Oh hells no, this chick ain't worth it! 2. [to your table] So you see...it was categorically imperative that she sleep with me. 3. [to hottie] Hey baby, want to make a synthetic a priori statement with me? You are awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trenitay Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I agree. Hey now, my mother is huge and don't you forget it. The drunk can't even get off the couch to make herself a vodka drenched sandwich. Octopus suck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taks Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Yeah. Might want to opt for a beach (does Britain have those?) or something. one of the best is actually a grocery store. gotta be careful not to pick the ones with rings, however. church events are also high on the list (as i've heard, not a church-goer myself), as well as the workplace. of course, the latter is like doing doo-doo in your cereal bowl before breakfast (in the long run), but common nonetheless. taks comrade taks... just because. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taks Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 oh, i should add that i met my wife in a bar, a pool-hall to be exact. we play in the same pool league (american poolplayer's association, the APA), and she was on another team in one of the divisions i was in (at the time, i played in 4 divisions with the APA and 1 with a local league). it wasn't a standard bar-fare pick-up at any rate, which i did plenty of and mostly hated. taks comrade taks... just because. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shryke Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 i've always found just saying whatever pops into my head seems to work okay when your mind works against you - fight back with substance abuse! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCrimson Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 This thread is full of win. But particularly: and I have been buying disproportionately large amounts of lettuce. I don't have any advice on convos, tho. Guys usually managed to attract my initial "absolute stranger" attention by doing things with me, rather than talking to me, if that makes any sense. If I was on the beach w/friends, they'd ask if we wanted to play Frisbee/volleyball with his friends and if there were lots of laughs during that, they'd ask me out for lunch when it was over. That sort of thing. “Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.” – Alan Watts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taks Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 by doing things with me, rather than talking to me, if that makes any sense. until i read the rest of the explanation, i thought it made perfect sense. ahem. taks comrade taks... just because. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorgon Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 That smiley is awesome. Na na na na na na ... greg358 from Darksouls 3 PVP is a CHEATER. That is all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taks Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 A very attractive woman I have seen around here and there, although I don't even know her last name, works in a green grocer, and I have been buying disproportionately large amounts of lettuce. that settles it. grocery stores rule. everyone has to buy food at one point or another, correct? of course, gorgon is going for the employees of said grocery store, but i'm sure there are plenty of shoppers worth a look, too. taks comrade taks... just because. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCrimson Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 by doing things with me, rather than talking to me, if that makes any sense. until i read the rest of the explanation, i thought it made perfect sense. ahem. taks Where's the *hehe you cad* smiley? It was usually about chemistry. I really don't remember many actual "convos" before first dates...opening lines, yes, but convos...no. “Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.” – Alan Watts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pidesco Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 i've always found just saying whatever pops into my head seems to work okay I hate you. "My hovercraft is full of eels!" - Hungarian touristI am Dan Quayle of the Romans.I want to tattoo a map of the Netherlands on my nether lands.Heja Sverige!!Everyone should cuffawkle more.The wrench is your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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