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  1. 1. What score on a 1-10 ?

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Wrote it a while ago and wondering if you guys think it needs improvements or any suggestions will be great. Just be honest. It's my work so please ask me if you wanna post this story elsewhere. Thanks.

 

 

A Night of Darkness

By Ed. O.

 

Many years later he remembered his first experience with ice. He was a little boy back then, about four or five. It was the first time in his life that he had ever been left out in the snow. The bodies of his parents were lying near him, covered in blood. All around him, people were fighting. The townspeople used pitchforks and torches to ward back the dark figures that the little boy heard were called vampires. His mother and father had been killed early in the fight, trying to carry him to safety. He had been spared from whoever attacked his parents. He remembered looking up and seeing a villager plunge a pitchfork into a vampire. The vampire howled, lifted the villager by the throat, and tore his neck open with both hands. Blood spurted out and fell all over the little boy

Edited by Eddo36
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It's rather long. What do you rate it? (See, if you rate it a 1 then I don't know if I want to read it).

 

Edit: Heck, I am already doing nothing.

Edited by Blank
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Needs more cyborgs though

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.

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You know, you think about submitting this to an online mag. You should look around and see if anyone is taking submissions.. I don't have two minutes to rub together these days, but he might be interested in showing some of your stuff. You could clean up this story quite nicely. You'd have to work on it, but that's the nature of writing.

 

Actually, that might not be a bad idea for some of the more prolific of our members. Look around if you're interested.

Fionavar's Holliday Wishes to all members of our online community:  Happy Holidays

 

Join the revelry at the Obsidian Plays channel:
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Remembering tarna, Phosphor, Metadigital, and Visceris.  Drink mead heartily in the halls of Valhalla, my friends!

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First off Eddo, I think it's awesome of you to share your literature. I recommend ignoring the trolls on here, as they probably couldn't even commit to writing that much.

 

Second, you write excellent action scenes. They are easy to follow and easy to read. I didn't expect to read the whole thing, but the action kept me involved.

 

Dialogue is a difficult beast to tame when writing. Keep it simple, look at Hemingway for a good example.

 

I give it a 10 just for sharing it with us, I know that is not an easy thing to do. There are some great literary forums out there as well, so I recommend submitting it and letting them help you flesh it out.

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Jeez, he's barely been abused yet Hurlshot. I recommend he abandon ego before he ever puts thought to line. That would do in better stead.

 

Edit: Jag, these are vampires. They're about manlove.

Edited by Nartwak
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I have to agree with Nartwak. The fact is, you've got to have a thick skin when it comes to asking for opinions. That, and you really shouldn't ask for opinions unless you want them. The fact is, you've got to be willing to listen to some painful comments if you want to improve your writing.

 

HEHE: For example, using redundant statements, misspellings, and run on sentences are all bad, and that's not even getting into the real heart of your writing like plot-lines, pacing, and all sorts of other stuff that make or break your writing project and don't get me started on something really hard like research.

Fionavar's Holliday Wishes to all members of our online community:  Happy Holidays

 

Join the revelry at the Obsidian Plays channel:
Obsidian Plays


 
Remembering tarna, Phosphor, Metadigital, and Visceris.  Drink mead heartily in the halls of Valhalla, my friends!

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Do you really want to hear my six page story about my handsome and dashing young lad encountering violence and jolly good fun on their escapades to save some damsel in distress while one secretly hides an unknown and dark and terrible hidden secret? Did I mention the violence?

 

And I just think it could be better and Eddo could make it better, that's all.

 

And by the way I gave him a ten.

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Story concept and battle imagery: 8

Writing, grammatical flow and emotional impact: 4.5

 

I mean absolutely no offense, but the flow of the sentences/paragraphs feels too staccato and abrupt, which isn't my thing. It's too much sterile description of only the action and not enough of the characters emotional/thought reactions or involvement, if that makes sense, leaving me with little to draw me to the character/s. In terms of flow, if I may make a suggestion: I find reading my stuff out loud, like you're reading a speech for a class, helps me find spots that may feel too jarring.

 

Of course, that's just my own preferences and opinion - figuring out your own voice is the most important thing. Keep at it and you may have something here. :)

“Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.” – Alan Watts
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Thanks for the inputs. I guess it was too fast paced. Maybe adding some more theme wouldn't hurt. Anybody looking forward to reading a sequel if I add more theme to the existing character, or should I just start on a whole new universe?

 

And yeah, I'll contact Baley. Never put any story I wrote in an online mag before, but I guess I can try to see how it goes after I polish it up a bit. Maybe add more in the way of theme something as to why the main character is a cop (because he was a constable in his past life).

Edited by Eddo36
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Oh and how long did it take you to read the whole thing? Did you read it right away, or a bit at a time? I was trying a bit to make it fast to read.

Edited by Eddo36
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I'd definitely read a sequel or revision if you wanted to write one. I like vampire/horror type stories. Tho I never did get into Anne Rice.

 

I read it on-line in about 8 minutes. If I printed it on paper it'd be less; reading on-screen is always slower for me. I may read somewhat faster than average, but the length seems fine for a 'fast read' intent. :)

“Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.” – Alan Watts
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Alright, I think I'll be free to write after summer class finals. Did you get the subtle things in this story, such as:

  • The black Hummer parked outside the building near the end belonged to Vincent and the license plate NO RDMPT means "No redemption"?
     
  • The reason Vincent used a flamethrower as his weapon of choice against the vampires was because that was how he first saw a vampire killed when he was a little boy?
     
  • Brian was fighting like a police officer at the beginning but then he began to fight more like a vampire as the story goes on because he is reverting more and more back to his self-identity as a vampire? (I should have mentioned in the story somewhere that Brian was a constable in his former life, and he was a cop because he was trying to repeat his former life again)

There may be other ones. Was it easy for you to notice it?

Edited by Eddo36
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Alright, I think I'll be free to write after summer class finals. Did you get the subtle things in this story, such as:
  • The black Hummer parked outside the building near the end belonged to Vincent and the license plate NO RDMPT means "No redemption"?
     
     
     
     
     
  • The reason Vincent used a flamethrower as his weapon of choice against the vampires was because that was how he first saw a vampire killed when he was a little boy?
     
     
     
     
     
  • Brian was fighting like a police officer at the beginning but then he began to fight more like a vampire as the story goes on because he is reverting more and more back to his self-identity as a vampire? (I should have mentioned in the story somewhere that Brian was a constable in his former life, and he was a cop because he was trying to repeat his former life again)

There may be other ones. Was it easy for you to notice it?

-The hummer license plate was noticeable, though I had to double-take. Whose was it? Is it just there for dramatic effect?

 

-I didn't get the flamethrower one. In fact, I don't know if I ever figured out that the wizard was the little kid. I assumed it was Brian, and that he had become a vampire after that horrible night.

The only clue you gave that Vincent was the kid in the beginning (which I thought was pretty well written), is when you have Vincent say, "You vampires killed my family long ago." And that isn't much to connect the dots with.

So in the start, you might note a scar or something distinguishing on a vampire, that it was in fact Brian who killed the man which kid-Vincent was wanting desperately to warn. Even if you didn't intend for Brian to have been there, you might consider it, since it would make the wizard's vendetta even more connected to Brian as the first target. (I don't know if vampires are supposed to be blemishless, but it would make sense that if Brian had the scar before he became a vampire, that it would stay). It could also be something else, or you could ditch that idea, it is up to you.

 

-And Brian reverting to his old ways is only kind of noticeable once you point it out. Maybe think of a progression which would be more obvious. At first he uses guns a lot, then he uses them less, then he clubs them and melees with other blunt or sharp objects, then he is only using his hands. You kind of did that, with the billy blub, but then he went back to the shotgun, so it wasn't very obvious.

 

You sound like you do want to add to the backstory of Brian as a constable. That could be good, but if you do that too much, it might confuse people as to why you only focus on one part of his 1,000 year lifetime or whatever, since he may have been a type of law-enforcemer before he was a constable too. Did something dramatic happen that made him want to be law-enforcement? To give up being "the reaper" and start protecting people? It makes sense that he would move on after 20 years in one place as constable (people getting suspicious as to why he doesn't age). I think that could be good. Actually, you probably would've addressed all that so that it wouldn't be confusing. Sure, talk about how he got his title as the reaper, how his only love died as criminal collateral, and then how he gave up his old ways and became law-enforcement for the past 30 years or so, constable for most, and then at this new branch. Sorry, I ramble, hopefully you can use an idea or two.

 

So although you wanted this to be short-short, don't worry if it ends up longer . A sequel you said? Could be interesting. I'll enjoy seeing what you do with the story.

Edited by Blank
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Though I am indeed grateful for such sharing and inspiration, the Obsidian fora are not geared toward fanfic. There are indeed many fan fora that can accommodate such creative sharings. Until then ... know that there is much gratitude for this sharing.

 

F

The universe is change;
your life is what our thoughts make it
- Marcus Aurelius (161)

:dragon:

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