Child of Flame Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Okay, let's start with my instructions to you: no matter how enticing I may make this film sound, do NOT spend money on it. Don't see it in the theater, and don't rent it. Buying the DVD would be a crime against humanity. For that matter, don't bother seeing it for FREE, either. Spending your TIME on this film is a crime against your employer, your family, and the Baby New Year. You would be better off using an hour and thirty-four minutes eating junk food and watching Weather Channel repeats you've accidentally TIVO'd. I'm serious. If I find out that you went and saw this film after I told you not to, I'll phone your friends up and tell them to go to your house and pour ants in your bed. And when you wake up screaming, covered in ants, you'll think "at least I'm not still watching BloodRayne." Now, on to the review... we'll start with the music. There are three credited composers here, and I'm not sure which one I should be blaming for the horrible soundtrack. Maybe somebody in post-production tripped over the tape, and introduced all the wobbly, pitch-drifting bits. Or maybe the REAL soundtrack got destroyed in a fire, and they had to settle for the sound left on bits of tape on the cutting room floor. Seriously, it's that bad, and that's just the sound quality. The composition itself was criminal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Commissar Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 (edited) Isn't Uwe Boll that German director who basically does a real-life version of The Producers? Edited January 10, 2006 by Commissar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pidesco Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 This review is interesting too. "My hovercraft is full of eels!" - Hungarian touristI am Dan Quayle of the Romans.I want to tattoo a map of the Netherlands on my nether lands.Heja Sverige!!Everyone should cuffawkle more.The wrench is your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabrielle Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I heard it sucks because of Uwe Boll. His other movies have been failures according to what I heard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorth Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 (edited) Wasn't it Kaftan who dedicated a thread to Uwe Boll once ? Edit: Sorry, it was TentamusDarkblade: http://forums.obsidianent.com/index.php?sh...ndpost&p=262579 Edited January 10, 2006 by Gorth “He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice.” - Albert Einstein Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick_i_am Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Isn't Uwe Boll that German director who basically does a real-life version of The Producers? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Basically, yeah, there's a german tax law which allows him to do all this crap, and it's being fixed this year. How he keeps getting people to fund him, I dont know (though that might be somthing to do with the tax law). He's currently making a film of Postal for crying out loud POSTAL. The game which makes GTA look tame, the game where that only thing you need to know is that the only objective of the game is to have as much fun violantly killing people as possible. Douse them in petrol then flick matches at them, decapitate them then play wall-ball with the head. He's making a FILM of this, and, guess what, it gets better. He's writing it himself. (Approved by Fio, so feel free to use it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meshugger Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Haha, now i HAVE to see this film "Some men see things as they are and say why?""I dream things that never were and say why not?"- George Bernard Shaw"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."- Friedrich Nietzsche "The amount of energy necessary to refute bull**** is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it." - Some guy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spider Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 (edited) This from rottentomatoes.com: "Uwe Boll is such a bad director that it must be intentional." -- Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE Edit: These are also pretty funny. "How fitting that director Uwe Boll (House of the Dead) would choose a vampire flick as his latest project - the man has a career that, despite the horror he continually inflicts on innocent moviegoers, simply will not die." -- Elizabeth Weitzman, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS "'You don't know the meaning of pain!' our heroine hisses at one point. Oh, honey, believe us, we do." -- Stephen Whitty, NEWARK STAR-LEDGER Edit again: I went to IMDB and these are the movies Uwe Boll is currently working on (as a director): # Fear Effect (2008) (announced) # Postal (2007) (announced) # Far Cry (2006) (announced) # Hunter: The Reckoning (2007) (pre-production) # In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2006) (post-production) See a trend? Edited January 10, 2006 by Spider Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surreptishus Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 As long as he sticks to game adaptations I aint bothered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Uwe is right after Dubya and Osama on my list of people that needs to be stopped! :angry: DENMARK! It appears that I have not yet found a sig to replace the one about me not being banned... interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surreptishus Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 but why all the hatred? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick_i_am Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Well, people dont like too see their franchises OR their medium being 'raped' in such a way. It's human. (Approved by Fio, so feel free to use it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surreptishus Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 "their"? what personal stake do these "people" have in the films? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volourn Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Some of his moves are okay. I think people go overboard sometimes. Hey, that's an understatement. DWARVES IN PROJECT ETERNITY = VOLOURN HAS PLEDGED $250. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lyric Suite Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 (edited) "their"? what personal stake do these "people" have in the films? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> What personal stake do you have in any of the things you enjoy? Propably nothing, but i'm sure you would propably be up-set if somebody took a dump on your favored movie, or favored game. A lot of gamers have been hoping for a good game to movie translation forever now. They care because they enjoy those games and they would enjoy those films, and here comes Uwe Boll taking bad video game movie making to a new zenith of suckage, and all because of a little tax scheme that it's propably not that profitable to begin with. I don't, but i think that's bound to piss off a couple of fans. Just saying... Edited January 10, 2006 by Lyric Suite Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surreptishus Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I'm not condoning Boll's work or denying the right to criticise. I just wonder why people get so up in arms over something that is below the radar. Uwe Boll makes crap film out of a game, so what? It does not prevent anybody making a good game to film adaptation and it in no way harms the original product. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pidesco Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 It annoys me that a lot of movie critics say that Boll's movies are bad because they're based on games and not because Boll is an incompentent fool. "My hovercraft is full of eels!" - Hungarian touristI am Dan Quayle of the Romans.I want to tattoo a map of the Netherlands on my nether lands.Heja Sverige!!Everyone should cuffawkle more.The wrench is your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick_i_am Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I just wonder why people get so up in arms over something that is below the radar. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> In some cases because people are silly. Take the example of the CGI sequal to Final Fantasy 7 ('Advent Childen'). When announced the fans went up in arms, some claiming it to be the best thing ever, while some damning it as somehow threatening to destroy the game they loved so much. People probably worry that Uwe is doing damage to the medium of their hobbie which already gets enough flack from the media and 'older generation'. (Approved by Fio, so feel free to use it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laozi Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Whats worse this review was as unentertaining as I suspect the movie will be. People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pidesco Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Whats worse this review was as unentertaining as I suspect the movie will be. The review I posted a link for is better! Check it out, it's the only film review site I read on a regular basis. "My hovercraft is full of eels!" - Hungarian touristI am Dan Quayle of the Romans.I want to tattoo a map of the Netherlands on my nether lands.Heja Sverige!!Everyone should cuffawkle more.The wrench is your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick_i_am Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Llyranor dug this up: 'A projectionist from UltraStar Cinemas has revealed to Shacknews a rather huge error made with the distribution of Uwe Boll's latest cinematic endeavor, the BloodRayne adaptation featuring such well-regarded thespians as Ben Kingsley and Michael Madsen. The UltraStar employee explained that when he got into work last week, he noticed that the theater had received a copy of BloodRayne. This seemed odd because his particular theater generally shows films aimed more at the arthouse set. "I didn't want to build this and put it in my theater," he said, so he checked up with UltraStar higher-ups. It turns out that a computer error resulted in the print being sent to 5,500 more theaters nationwide than was intended. "The computer that placed the order, instead of selecting just the correct theatres, it also selected 5,500 additional theaters, so they made that many extra copies." Whoops. I asked how much each print costs, and he said that in total, it costs about $5,000 to have each set of reels delivered to a theater, meaning that as a very rough estimate the total costs incurred may be upwards of $27 million. "And that's 27 million that didn't go into production, didn't go into marketing, it's just expenditure that's sitting there," he said. "I mean, I know Ben Kingsley was in Ghandi, but nobody gets to just throw away that much money for nothing." The situation is exacerbated by the fact that, according to Variety, the film is only showing on 985 screens, just over half of the original target of 1,900--and that's separate from the thousands of accidental extra copies. Now, the film is already millions in the hole and it earned only $1.2 million during its opening weekend, failing to place it in the top ten. Uwe Boll has had a lot of second chances, but might this spell the beginning of the end for the self-described misunderstood director?' Go go Karma! (Approved by Fio, so feel free to use it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirottu Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Go go Karma! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> It This post is not to be enjoyed, discussed, or referenced on company time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabrielle Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I can see it now another Dungeons and Dragons movie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaftan Barlast Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Sad to say, but the distributor pays the cost for distributing a film. So this is either on the distributor or UltraStar Cinema depending on who ordered 5500 extra copies. DISCLAIMER: Do not take what I write seriously unless it is clearly and in no uncertain terms, declared by me to be meant in a serious and non-humoristic manner. If there is no clear indication, asume the post is written in jest. This notification is meant very seriously and its purpouse is to avoid misunderstandings and the consequences thereof. Furthermore; I can not be held accountable for anything I write on these forums since the idea of taking serious responsability for my unserious actions, is an oxymoron in itself. Important: as the following sentence contains many naughty words I warn you not to read it under any circumstances; botty, knickers, wee, erogenous zone, psychiatrist, clitoris, stockings, bosom, poetry reading, dentist, fellatio and the department of agriculture. "I suppose outright stupidity and complete lack of taste could also be considered points of view. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calax Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I for once am not going to see a video game movie (thank god) Victor of the 5 year fan fic competition! Kevin Butler will awesome your face off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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