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The Hoff is so 5 mins ago.....


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CHUCK NORRIS

 

1 . If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

 

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

 

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

 

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

 

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

 

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

 

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

 

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

 

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "fking."

 

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

 

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

 

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

 

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

 

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

 

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

 

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

 

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fk down.

 

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

 

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

 

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

 

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

 

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

 

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

 

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

 

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

 

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

 

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's st.

 

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

 

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

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Oldsky.

 

There's also a bunch for Vin Diesel, and both of those were stolen from Bill Brasky!

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."

 

- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials

 

"I have also been slowly coming to the realisation that knowledge and happiness are not necessarily coincident, and quite often mutually exclusive" - meta

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:D

 

Oldsky.

 

There's also a bunch for Vin Diesel, and both of those were stolen from Bill Brasky!

There's one for Vin? Posty!!!

I had thought that some of nature's journeymen had made men and not made them well, for they imitated humanity so abominably. - Book of Counted Sorrows

 

'Cause I won't know the man that kills me

and I don't know these men I kill

but we all wind up on the same side

'cause ain't none of us doin' god's will.

- Everlast

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Chuck Norris is all well and good, but Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

 

EDIT: Oh, dang, I guess Chuck Norris can too.

Edited by Oerwinde
The area between the balls and the butt is a hotbed of terrorist activity.

Devastatorsig.jpg

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Vin Diesel can get into the cow level on the ORIGINAL Diablo.

The area between the balls and the butt is a hotbed of terrorist activity.

Devastatorsig.jpg

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no we should all worship RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON!

 

Not only could he probably make a cold fusion reactor out of bubblegum and twine but he goes to other planets!

Victor of the 5 year fan fic competition!

 

Kevin Butler will awesome your face off.

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Someone needs to make a Civ IV mod that replaces the religions with Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, David Hasselhoff, etc.

The area between the balls and the butt is a hotbed of terrorist activity.

Devastatorsig.jpg

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http://www.4q.cc/vin/

 

"Vin Diesel once sneezed so hard a nearby building exploded. Upon seeing the explosion, Vin Diesel flew around the world counterclockwise fast enough to reverse time. After he had reversed time for 10 minutes, He went back to the building and went inside. He then punched Stalin in the face. Thus, Communism fell."

 

"Vin Diesel can express the square root of -1 as a real number."

 

"COQ AU VIN DIESEL

 

1 chicken, cut up

1 tbsp. butter mixed with 1 tbsp. flour

Salt and pepper

1 cup vodka

1 can whoop-ass

1 clove garlic, minced

1/4 lb. butter

Parsley, chopped

2 oz. diesel fuel

10 sm. white onions

Bouquet Garni: parsley, thyme, bay leaf"

I was raised by polar bears. I had to fight against blood thirsty wolves and rabid penguins to get my food. Those who were too weak to survive were sent to Sweden.

 

It has made me the man I am today. A man who craves furry hentai.

So let us go and embrace the rustling smells of unseen worlds

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but neither Chuck nor Diesel can strike a pose like this in pants like those

 

 

 

Hoff%20akimbo.jpg

DISCLAIMER: Do not take what I write seriously unless it is clearly and in no uncertain terms, declared by me to be meant in a serious and non-humoristic manner. If there is no clear indication, asume the post is written in jest. This notification is meant very seriously and its purpouse is to avoid misunderstandings and the consequences thereof. Furthermore; I can not be held accountable for anything I write on these forums since the idea of taking serious responsability for my unserious actions, is an oxymoron in itself.

 

Important: as the following sentence contains many naughty words I warn you not to read it under any circumstances; botty, knickers, wee, erogenous zone, psychiatrist, clitoris, stockings, bosom, poetry reading, dentist, fellatio and the department of agriculture.

 

"I suppose outright stupidity and complete lack of taste could also be considered points of view. "

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but neither Chuck nor Diesel can strike a pose like this in pants like those

Oh yeah?!

 

Well, I bet The Hoff wears Chuck Norris Jeans to be able to strike such a pose:

 

ChuckJeans.jpg

Swedes, go to: Spel2, for the latest game reviews in swedish!

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32.Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.

We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

33.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

34.The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided

 

35.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you.

If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

 

36.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you.

If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

 

37.Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.

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